Friday, February 28
It's probably the lowest time in my life now, writing this blog. Can't help it. Got lots of hot air I need to let out.
First, I hate myself. Second, I hate my results. Third, I hate myself for feeling this way. There's always this crunching of my mind when I think of my results. It sucks. Totally. Why? I thought I wouldn't fail, but I didn't expect this grades even. Appalling. Crap. Utter shit. Toot. F**k. Fuck. I am trying to calm down, but this kind of thing that unexpectedly slams on your face, knocking the breathe out of you. Suffocated. Can't wait to scream, to explode. Why?? Why is it that it has to be me?? Fine. It's my fault. I didn't study. Chem? Big-time disappointment, though you might think an A2 is very good. I think I finally understand how Sin Guan feels when she receives her Chinese results. I deserve it for getting a C5 for my humanities. I thought it went well, obviously I am wrong. Crap.Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by Isabelle at 7:13 pm
Thursday, February 27
Hey, it's 19 hrs to collecting my results. Not too bad a wait huh? Frankly speaking, it's not as long a wait as the wait for my flight to Kuching. Yes, I am anxious, but who isn't? Just don't wanna think about it. Lessens the anxiety that way, ya know. Hmm, I guess I talked too big yesterday. Dreams? Yah. Perhaps. Nothing is confirmed until tomorrow. Even then, not much is confirmed. Only my results, and I can always take it again. I have that choice, though by default you don't do that, hehe. Kk lar, just talking crap here.
End.
Posted by Isabelle at 7:25 pm
Wednesday, February 26
Scared? For what? It's nothing, come on. 'O' level result is no big deal. That's what I tell other people. It's not exactly how I feel. I am just like others who are anxiously waiting for their results, fearing that it might just be a total failure. Somehow, passing is not an achievement. It is a necessity. I am talking big, but ain't it the truth? Come on. Get real. Who doesn't want to see a perfect score on their result slip even though might sound absurd or even impossible? It's everyone's dream, no doubt, though for some, the dream might never be fulfilled. Scary enough huh? But the biggest fear is not the possibility of not fulfilling the dream, but realising the
fact that you are actually nowhere nearing that dream.
It's a big "What if". What if I can't get good grades? What if I fail my english? What if I have to go poly? Worse still, ITE? The question carries on and on, until I feel so sick listening to it. Is it that bad until we cannot carry on with life with a useless 'O' levels result? I know it's a silly question. You can't survive in modern Singapore without a good degree, but you don't have to think that results are gonna be that poor until you can't even continue with life, right? You know you studied, you have put in effort, and done your best. Just relax. Convince yourself. It's gonna be fine.
~Convincing yourself you can is not just one of many solutions. It's the only way of life~
Posted by Isabelle at 4:50 pm
Thursday, February 20
Trapped at home, down with food poisoning. What else can go wrong? Hmm. Well, at least I got 3 days break, and results coming out soon. Wonder would I stay in AJ? High chance not. Don't feel like either. Anyway, it's not up to me to decide. A lot of factors would affect my decision to stay anot, and the no.1 factor would of course be my results, second would be where the rest are going to. I don't want to be the extra in one school. Freaky. Don't know lar.
Confused.
Posted by Isabelle at 9:16 pm
Monday, February 17
It's one of those days where you absolutely feel you are useless, unwanted, chucked away like an old toy. Am I being neglected, or is it just me? I feel discarded, and totally without value. Perhaps it's just my feelings combined with a lot of external factors, like today. I don't about the others, but I don't feel like part of the family. I thought I did, until later when finally the realisation hit me. I was not needed. And definitely just someone you can do without. Loneliness creeps in and the effect worsens. Oh no. What's happening to me? Can't I just survive without needing to care about what others think or feel about me? Am I that vulnerable to criticism? What's happened to the old me?
Why?
Posting past blogs.
12th February 2003
Just went on net to surf for my horoscope and found these. Thought these were quite accurate, so decided to post it here.
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Your sign is that of sensitive Cancer, the fourth sign of the zodiac, the sign characterized by deep feelings and protectiveness. You are known for being nurturing, hospitable, and imaginative, and all your effort goes into making your home a safe place for you and the people you cherish.
The Moon, is the ruler of your sign, and makes you a very intuitive and empathetic person. Like the ebb and flow of the tides, you are both receptive to those you love and willing to offer comfort in return.
Being the first of the water signs you have psychic powers, and are able to sense feelings and thoughts in others - you feel rather than think. When you love someone, you love truly and deeply, and have the desire to connect on a profound level.
As a Cancer, you rule the fourth house, the sector of the horoscope that describes your emotional roots, your home, your childhood, and your parent of lesser influence, usually your father. Most of all, the fourth house stands for attunement to your inner self.
Your sign is a cardinal sign, which means that your parental instincts compel you to protect and fight for the security of your loved ones. You thrive on drama, and get stronger in situations of crisis.
Your strengths lie in your ability to adapt and cooperate, and your wonderful way of providing comfort. You are devoted and selfless in your dealings with others, which makes you a very dependable person. Since you are attuned to your unconscious, you have a strong imagination and are in touch with your intuition.
One of your weaknesses is that you can get hypersensitive and moody when someone fails to show you their love and appreciation. In situations of insecurity, you sometimes show immature, manipulative, and even tyrannical behavior, and others could see you as overly possessive and dependent.
Cancer's element is Water. Symbolic of the emotions, water signs need to give and receive. They thrive on the exchange of feelings. They need security and love to be wrapped in an environment of love and comfort. Truly a wonderful example of Yin receptivity, Cancer seems to absorb memories, feelings and psychic messages. Of course, they send back their own good vibes in the process. The cardinal' motivation energizes their strong ability to provide for others. Few work as hard and as tenaciously as Cancer. Without the balance of Yang assertiveness, however, Cancer's confidence can be a bit wobbly. After all, the Crab is so very sensitive to everything. Just as the sign's ruler, the Moon, goes through phases, Cancer often experiences mood-swings. Sometimes the desire to love, results in giving too much. In such cases, the Crab can become over-protective or dependent. Balanced, the Cancer adds personal independence to his or her priorities.
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Hmm... A lot of things to ponder about...
Posted by Isabelle at 6:19 pm
Monday, February 10
Posting past blogs.
8th February 2003
Oops, I guess I was too busy too to my blog. A bit out-dated. Well, I decided to
break my record of nothing saying anything negative today. Hmm, I feel totally
crappy, outrageous and I can say I am blah. It's one of those days when you feel
totally down and out and can't think of anything positive. Scary huh? But that's how
I feel down, and I'm not afraid to admit it. Fine. So I am crappy, insensitive,
obnoxious, arrogant, inconsiderate, selfish, etc. So what? That's how I feel.
Anyway, I am totally certain that most, in fact all, of the above stated is how I am.
Accept it or not, it's up to you. I think I am doing some self-piting, but that's
how I am. Crap.
Ignore the above paragraph. End.
Posted by Isabelle at 10:07 pm